I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
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hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
The Wolf of Wall Street.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.