“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
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Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
I only eat vegetarians.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!