Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
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My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.