*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
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Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
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Expectations vs. Reality
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.