Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
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Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.