Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
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It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business