Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
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I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I’m not proud
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I hope google does well on my son’s test
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.