Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
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Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
If you’re testing me, we failed.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Customer is always right
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.