*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
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[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
is this a warning or an offer?
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
what it’s like dating me:
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*