At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
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My wedding will be open casket.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park