RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
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Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Meanwhile in Portland…
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?