What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
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If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
You know…for fall…
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
never ask a starfish for directions
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Tell the colonel to bring it
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I feel seen.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.