My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
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Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
For those that worship cheese..
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.