wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
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I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.