I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
You Might Also Like
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
is this a warning or an offer?
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.