[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
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i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
the composer
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.