My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
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What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.