It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
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Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Does your wife know you’re single?
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.