It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
You Might Also Like
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.