I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
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I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Yup.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit