My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
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Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.