I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
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“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision