Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
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Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.