Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
You Might Also Like
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I’m crying im so happy for them
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.