Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
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i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Respect
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
titanic
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.