[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
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There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
“I FIXED IT!”
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now