I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
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a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Britain be like
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….