Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
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[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money