My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
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Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
TRAIN’S HERE
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??