Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
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I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.