I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
You Might Also Like
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
My boss called in sick of me