You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
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My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Well well well…
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Oh. My. God.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
happy valentine’s day to me
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.