Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
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The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.