[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
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Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
how to exercise your calf muscles
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
same vibe as tangled headphones
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them