I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
#dnd #ttrpg
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands