[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
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me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Trying
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?