Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
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saw this in a dream
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
sensitive skin
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
When you’re Kinky but poor
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either