I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I only treason on days ending in y
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob