doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
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Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
why does this building look like a guilty dog
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?