If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
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OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Would you wear it?
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Mistakes were made
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉