[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
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2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
#StillHurts
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about