My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
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Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a