Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
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She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition