[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
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If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Meat Cute
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago