Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
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I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
A great tip. #CakeRex
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no