what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
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[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections