*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
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Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.