me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
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when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.