It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
You Might Also Like
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy