ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
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Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Are we there yet?…
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.